Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, where has the time gone? I guess it’s hard to keep track of time when you’re in the process of changing a career during your third quarterlife crisis. Who am I kidding? With the way I live, it’s more like my third midlife crisis. At least I’ll make a pretty dead chick. I’ll be the hottest corpse at the morgue – and now that I think about it, that’s probably not such a good thing.

So like I mentioned in my last post (which was far too long ago and I apologize), I’m working in the design department of a large health insurance provider for the next few months. Since I’m also attending school while working fulltime, I haven’t had much time to write…or meet people…or go out. But I really can’t complain. I’m learning a lot and actually don’t mind living the 9 to 5 lifestyle (Except for the traffic. As a former traffic reporter, I can safely say that the north wins the prize for most aggressive, road-ragin’ drivers. A couple weeks ago, I saw two dudes pull over to the side of the road, get out of their cars and just start throwing punches, without even one of them taking the time to declare, “It’s go time, bitch!”)

But anyway, about the job, I’ve gotta tell you, it’s a bit clique-y here. Since I’ve never worked for a large company before, I can’t help but notice the similarities of this environment in relation to the same one I was trying to rebel against during my teenage years. As I speak, there’s a gift-wrapping party in the conference room. And guess who has two thumbs and wasn’t invited? This girl right here. So in that sense, it’s EXACTLY like high school for me. And just like in high school, I keep thinking to myself, “You are all blind sheep. Keep following your flock, sheep! Race to the slaughter!” That’s right, even then my angsty thoughts flowed in haiku form. And then I would slide on my headphones, pull my hoodie low over my brow, and slump in my chair. Almost 12 years later, I put in my iPod ear buds and make it look like I’m busy manipulating something in Photoshop and can’t be bothered with such awesome, fun workplace activities such as wrapping presents from Kohl’s, listening to a Christmas mix CD, and sharing a tin of chocolate-covered potato chips. Gaaaaay.

I apologize to any homosexual readers out there. Comparing you to the lamest office party ever was a low, unnecessary blow.

I can almost find every often-overlooked high school stereotype in my workplace. There’s the jock-like loud-talker, who is always trying to one-up you in whatever conservation he interrupts at the time. You were stuck in traffic for 2 hours? Yeah? Well, guess what? He was stuck in traffic for 2 and a half hours! Your parents are coming over for the holidays? Oh yeah? Well, not only is his entire immediate family coming over, but so is his non-English speaking former host family from Uruguay! You had a really good steak dinner the other day? Really? Fuck that! His steak kicks your steak’s ass! Boo-yah! Face!

You have the charming, good-looking, golden boy that causes the woman to giggle coyly with every word he utters. This especially goes for the pregnant chick and older women. Not that he isn’t a nice guy, but the ladies’ reaction to him is so obvious. He’s the kid that you’re social studies teacher wishes she could’ve banged — or maybe she did if you went to school in Florida. Boy, do they love them some hot female teacher-on-student action down there.

There’s the quiet gay guy – you know that kid from High School. The one that figured if he kept his mouth shut, nobody would pick up on his lisp and accuse him off checking out his bird-chested classmates in the locker room. We’ve got the D.T.H. chick – as in “desperate to hang”. She’s not very attractive or interesting, but she’s constantly doting on the more popular kids, hoping that one day she’ll get mono, shed 30 pounds and become one of them.You have the not-so-popular kid, who is only affiliated with the popular crowd because he’s in charge. The whiny over-achiever is here, too. So is the perpetually hung-over hipster and believe it or not, it’s not me. I’m the lowly, bottom-of-the-wrung, anti-social weirdo. Some things never change.

Whatever. I’m the coolest one here and they don’t even know it.