The Chase is On

Well, hello strangers! I apologize for my lack of posts in the last few weeks , but I’ve been tying up as many loose ends here in Philly as possible. I’m getting ready to start a brand spanking new job as an in-house Design Assistant! Yes, dreams do come true…when you keep your standards low. Feel free to share that “One to Grow On” with the kiddies.

But don’t fret – since I’ll be forced to spend an obscene amount of time in front of the computer, I’m sure I’ll blog as a healthy distraction to feed my sick procrastinations. Ah, who am I kidding. I’ll probably just spend my time googling for celebrity nudie pics.

As much as I’d like to continue slacking off, I realized that the season definitely calls for a new post. Halloween, once the holiday for costumed children and minor amateur vandalism, is now widely received as the sluttiest day of the year. So it’s time for my annual Crazy Happy Costume Round-up!

Hilarious! Look! It’s a white guy dressed as a Mexican! Now, since Halloween is a time to dress as either something you aspire to be or something you wish to mock, something tells me that the wearer of such a costume is probably going with the later. Seriously, why is it okay to dress like this, but Ted Danson gets booed at Friars Club Roast for wearing blackface? At least Ted Danson had some decent jokes prepared. I can already picture the wearer seriously getting into character, and making obvious wacky Carlos-Mencia-esque quips such as, “If you really want to build a wall, amigo, who do you think is going to build it, eh? Ay-yi-yi-yi!” Then he’ll down a bottle of cheap tequila and choke on his own vomit. As Pedro would say, “You never saw such a wiener.”

Did someone say “wieners”?! Here comes a sexy Border Patrol Agent. And she’s hungry! Yes, your eyes are not deceiving you – that’s a PLUS SIZE sexy costume. And she’s dressed as every Minuteman’s wet dream. They would most likely crank one out to this picture while Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American” plays in the background. And I don’t mean to make fun of my plus-sized sisters, but if you wear this costume, you’re kind of asking for it.

And this dude is asking to be punched in the cock. The one below the waist. I’m actually afraid to ask how many College of Charleston students saw this at the Costume shop on Savannah Highway and were like “Duuuuuudes, check it! Aw man, this is perfect! Y’know, because I’m like a Gamecock fan and I like big cock. What? No, man. I didn’t just say that. Why would I say I like cock? No, you’re gay. Whatever dude. Look, lemme go pay for this so we can get back to the frat and get ready for the big circle jerk on a Chips Ahoy. Go Cocks!!!”

Listen, I KNOW crazy chicks are hot. But you see, truly crazy chicks don’t know they’re crazy. Therefore, if a chick choses this costume, she’s not crazy. She’s just a dumb whore whose arms are strapped down so she can’t push away the dudes who are trying to force feed her a spunk-glazed Chips Ahoy.

This costume reminds me of a hoity-toity play I heard about on NPR in which a woman finds a letter from her husband’s mistress thanking him for the pearl necklace. This infuriates the wife, not because he cheated, but because he never gave her anything nice like a pearl necklace. The husband keeps warning her that she wouldn’t like this particular necklace, but the wife continues to nag him until he sits her down, unbuttons his pants with his back to the audience and proceeds to wank out a strand on her neck. And that was the end of the play. Anti-climatic, much like this costume. Because you know if someone actually took this douche up on his offer, he wouldn’t be able perform, let alone finish.

The costume looks normal at first glance, but you know what it’s name is? “She’s da Bomb.” Yep, a bomb costume. She’s holding a detonator for Chrissakes! Because suicide bombings are not only hilarious, but clearly very, very sexy. We can only hope that detonator actually works, and when she blows up, the only things remaining will be a pile of dust, a scorched blond weave, those f-me boots, and some dead coochie-crabs.

Um, really? You’re just a giant vag? Who told you this was a good idea? Take a second and look at the guy’s face. He doesn’t exactly fit the mold of a choad who would be like, “Dude, I’m gonna be a big old Red Snapper! Nyuck, nyuck!” I bet his friends told him that if he wore this costume, he would definitely loose his virginity tonight, and he just didn’t know any better. That sad, pathetic, limp, little 38 year-old man.

So this costume is actual pretty funny. A sexy pilgrim. SEXY. PILGRIM. If you wore this outfit back in the 1600s, you’d be tried as a witch and have your tits lopped off before they drowned you in a sack filled with rocks and kittens. Hopefully next year they’ll come out with a sexy Amish costume. I’d totally rock that.

Okay, I just had to include a couple dog costumes. I don’t know why I find the Jew dog costumes so funny. Probably because somewhere out there, there’s doggie KKK costumes to balance it all out.

Awww, she not only dresses like Paris Hilton, she poses like her too!

And finally, I’ll end this round-up with the one costume that no teenager should ever wear unless he seriously needs to get his ass whooped. Or peed on. Happy Halloween, bitches!