As much as I enjoy hymning and hawing about my insecurities when it comes to being in a monogamous relationship, there is a certain dignity and sweet relief the washes over me anytime I walk by a packed-to-the-gills Center City bar on a hot Friday night. Yes, there is a special kind of exhilaration in not knowing who you may meet or spend the evening/early morning with, but most of the time I found myself opting for a once-in-while night stand with one of the many male compadres I was already all too familiar with. As for the mysterious drunken strangers, I never really ventured much into that territory, and two words come to mind as I attempt to explain why: Tucker Max.
For those of you unfamiliar with the likes of Tucker Max, let me give you a quick summary. Tucker Max: The product of private school and Duke Law. Let’s just say, if he were attending classes in Durham during that whole Lacrosse Rape Party bum rap debacle, he probably would have been named a key witness, if not one of the accused. During college, Tucker began documenting his many cringe-worthy adventures in binge drinking, uncontrollable bodily functions, exploitation of stupid people, and the endless pursuit (and success) of scoring mad punanny. With similar goal-oriented friends rocking such names as “El Bingerosa”, “Slingblade”, “Brownhole”, “Hate”, and “Thomas”, Tucker and his posse left a trail of outrageous bar tabs, piss and semen stained beds, and teary, sore fat girls. The result? A New York Times Best Seller. Twice.
“I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell”, the fruits of Tucker’s labor, has catapulted him to almost idol-like status among 18 to 35 year old men, which inspired NY Times reporter Warren St. John to, in regard to Max’s work, coin the apropos phrase “Fratire”. This lucky bastard is now out of law, working as a full-time writer, banging as many girls as possible (he claims his number is in the low triple digits, and credits many of his hook-ups to girls that contact him via the Internet), and developing a possible show for Comedy Central.
Seriously, I would recommend that every girl read “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.” You’ll squirm, you’ll gag, you’ll blush, and you might just give up on men all together. This guy, as my friend Camille would say, is a “heartess, souless, shit-filled dickhead assface”. But I also recommend that the fellas read it too, because, well, it’s funny as fuck.
Believe it or not, I actually like Tucker Max. I really like him. Sure, he’s an asshole, but he’s the first to admit it. Yeah, he behaves like a frat boy, but at least he’s an educated, analytical frat boy. True, he’s malicious and evil, but only when he’s completely wasted and egged-on. And whether he likes it or not, his book is the perfect manual for ladies who want to understand manipulative douchebags like himself. Hey, it wasn’t just dudes that got him on the NY Times Best Seller List.
I’m listening to his audiobook for the second time right now. I cyber-slapped it on my iPod, plugged in and giggled manically to myself as I worked on the printing press and pumped out lithographs. Everyone kept asking what I was listening to, but when you’re taking classes in a fine arts academy filled with politically correct trust-funders and middle aged women whose kids just flew the coop for college, it’s hard to explain why you’re laughing about a comment involving hypothetical cunnilingus on a dead donkey.
Maybe in simpler times, Tucker and I would’ve hit it off. He actually looks and sounds like the machosexual I briefly dated a few months ago. We’d meet in a dimly lit bar, drink ’til we were blind, and then engage in a one-night stand to rival all one-night stands. But one, he’s not my type — overly cocky and too clever for his own good. Two, he’d probably be turned off by the fact that I have crooked bottom teeth and a healthy gut (but that’s why the lights in a bar are dimly lit, right?) and three, I gave up on assholes for good a few weeks ago. Not that that would stop Tucker.
6 Comments
Did you just call him a rapist? Really?
And ummm…Tucker’s book is now in its 16th week on the NY Times Best Seller list. That is more than twice. Go look it up; it’s #20 I believe on the Paperback Non-Fiction List. Not that facts matter, but still.
Brody,
In the senetence you’re refering too, I called it a “bum rap”, so, no, of course I didn’t call him a “rapist”. But being the obvious fan that you are, don’t you think if he was at that party, his mouth most likely would’ve gotten him in trouble after a couple or 12 drinks? C’mon, you know it would.
As far as the 16 weeks on the bestseller list, I meant in two different years, not succession of weeks. My bad. Whadaya want? I’m my own editor, and a shitty one at that.
And facts do matter, so thanks for clearing that up.
tucker max is full of crap. see the comments on this website http://tuckermaxdoucebag.blogspot.com/
Surprised you wrote about Max.
Do a simple fact check before you publish, and don’t rely on wikipedia. His wikipedia entry has been commandeered by his teenage followers. He made the NY Times Supplemental Best Seller list, not the actual NY Times Best Seller list. And he did it once, not twice.
Frankly, Max is pretty passe. I kept an open mind until his interview on the Opie & Anthony radio show (youtube videos still exist). He was repeatedly exposed as a liar during the interview.
Where did you find this in an audiobook format? I want to download it for a trip tomorrow. Thanks.
This is the thing about Tucker Max. He’s extremely intelligent and no one is douting that. The problem is that Tucker gets bored. For example, If he had read the last two sentences, his brain would have churned like a butter maker and come up with 12 reasons why I’m stupid, ridiculous and incompetent for evening thinking that I had a right to speak. The first 4 of those 12 being that I forgot the “b” in doubting, I’m disabled for forgetting that “if” shouldn’t be capitalized, never never ever ever ever ever start a sentence with a God damn preposition and there is no such thing as a “butter maker.” Lord how I’ve sinned. But I empathize with Tucker. See the thing about him is that all his stories are true, the problem being that every popular male has those stories locked in a vault somewhere. The problem with Tucker is that he acts like being blunt is a super power (hey Tucker, should I kill myself because that’s supposed to be one word? Am I worthless?) Anyone can be blunt. Anyone is capable of saying whatever whenever to whomever (i got that right, didn’t I, Tucker? Most of us drones would’ve written “whoever.” Thank GOD I didn’t!!!!) I’m not even going to comment on Tucker’s storytelling (see Confederacy of Dunces for how to accomplish this) because I think he does a decent job of building character and creating non-fiction with a fictional excitement. The biggest problem with Tucker is that everyone on earth can be an asshole, he’s just an impressively accomplished asshole. Some of his stories are funny but there are a billion that are better. He just doesn’t care about his reputation enough to avoid being the crass Asop clone that he is. He gives nerds a goal to strive for and if you actually have read through his book, he does have a heart. He’s nice to those less fortunate than he is and he cares about people that weren’t blessed with similar talents. It’s very obvious if you read that book, ergo, he is affected by experiences and chooses not to show it. It’s sad because Tucker is truly brilliant, he’s on the top of his game right now, but he’s going to have a hard fall (hopefully not one reminiscent of Leaving Las Vegas). Tucker needs to be stimulated, which is why his sexual escapades are the primary focus of his little tales. It’s the same reason that he couldn’t make it as a lawyer - again, not because he wasn’t smart enough, but because it was boring to him. Tucker’s life is going to become extremely difficult in his 40’s when these stories morph from impressive to creepy, when his friends get married and start families, when he can’t find anything to excite his intellect. He’s smart enough to make it in Hollywood and hopefully he’ll come out with a show or something doing what he does best - making fun of the idiots that run that Godforsaken town, i.e. Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Britney Spears. I don’t think he’ll be able to put up with it and I definitely don’t think the American culture is ready to convert to the narcissistic angst-ridden 20 something over their idols (as dull as they may be). Tucker thinks he’s perfect, he’s not and it’s going to kill him. It’s obvious… just look at him… how can such a genius, esp. a genius legal mind, exhibit such flawed logic? He writes a book intimating that he doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks about him, however, HE WROTE A BESTSELLER ABOUT HIMSELF!!! Again, ergo, everyone that reads it formulates an opinion about him giving him attention and stimulating his ego. Tucker thrives on confrontation because of his intelligence. He thrives on criticism because he can so easily put people down. He runs on stimulation and eventually that won’t be there. If everyone on earth ignored Tucker, he would kill himself. It would be like pouring water on a robot. He would implode. He needs contradiction and he loves to be analyzed. Read Catcher in the Rye, but don’t read it like an idiot. Read it like you know what’s actually going on in the novel. Tucker IS Holden Caulfield. He tells these stories for self preservation and he re-invents them in such a way that HE wants them remembered to prolong a legacy and to get people to listen. If you don’t understand what I just read then have someone explain it to you. He’s manipulative, alone, pompous and TERRIFIED. It’s all going to blow up in his face and I’m going to feel terrible for him when that day arrives because it will be a far more depressing sight than anything he has brought upon anyone else.